Frank’nstein’d

You know those little dangly things that stick up in the middle of words sometimes? No, not the dot in an i or a j. I mean the ones that show up in the middle of an otherwise normal word and stick WAY the hell up like they’re–ah! There’s one! AHH! And another!

cat1

Get it get it get it.

When that mark appears in the middle of a word like “they’re” or “there’s,” it’s an apostrophe. “Apostrophe” probably comes from Greek but I’m too lazy to look it up. Let’s just assume it means “little dangly thing in the middle of a word.”
Apostrophes have several uses. They show possession, as in The cat’s fabulous hairdo.
 
cat wig
Most of us, thank dog, have a grasp on that usage. The difference between “the cats” (plural, multiple cats) and “the cat’s” (possessive, single cat) is fairly easy to see. If it’s not easy for you to see, just nod your head anyway and we’ll cover it in a later post.

 

What certain people on the Internet seem to have a harder time with is the difference between a word like “your” (possessive) and “you’re,” which is a contraction of “you” + “are.” The same goes for its/it’s and their/they’re/there. This is something that will literally drive grammar people up a wall, almost as much as misusing the word “literally.”

 

catwall
Literally.

 

“You’re” and “your” are homophones, like those in Claire’s last post. They sound alike and mean totally different things. But there’s a foolproof way to think about this so that you don’t uset the wrong

Contractions like “you’re,” “it’s,” and “don’t” are like Frankenstein’s monster.
 
Frankencat-l1
It’s ‘FRAHN-ken-steen.’

 

Frankenstein’s monster, for those of you who slept through tenth-grade English, was cobbled together out of corpses, which is something it’s better not to think about too deeply. This is why any self-respecting portrayal of Frankenstein’s monster has to include those big-ass scars.

 

frankenkitty
Bonus lesson: calling the monster “Frankenstein” and not “Frankenstein’s monster” is a quick way to distinguish English majors from everyone else. The English majors will begin twitching uncontrollably.

 

In a contraction like “you’re,” think of the apostrophe like a scar. You, Dr. Frankenstein, have stitched together the words “you” and “are” to make a perfect killing machine–I’m sorry, I mean contraction. A perfect contraction. Yes.
But that “a” in “are” turned out to be superfluous, like having two kidneys, so you cut it out. Removing the letter left a scar, which is the apostrophe.

 

You + are = you’re
Its_alive_cat

 

Now let’s say you’re casually writing a sentence. You want to tell your BFF, Fluffy, that you caught and killed one of her favorite birds, which happens to be a grackle. But do you say “you’re favorite bird” or “your favorite bird”?

 

Un-Frankenstein it to be sure. Would you say “you are favorite bird”? No, because then it starts to sound like Fluffy is a bird, and she will cut you if you start spreading rumors like that.

 

catbird
Bitch, don’t even.

 

By deduction, we need “your” in this case: “Your favorite bird.”

 

Now, if you want to make it up to Fluffy and tell her that she’s the best cat in the world, you’d say:

 

“You’re the best” = “[you + are] the best.”

 

At this point you can stop thinking about it and move on, because “your the best” does not make any kind of sense whatsoever and will provoke grammar people into a frothing rage.
angry-cat-birthday-hat
The same trick works for “it’s” (it + is), “they’re” (they + are), and “I’m” (I + am). If you can’t break it apart, it was never stitched together in the first place.

 

Example 1:
Look at its cute little face!
deadpancat

 

Do I mean “look at [it + is] cute little face”? No, that doesn’t make sense. Therefore “its” is correct.

 

Example 2:
It’s coming toward us! Run!
scarycat

 

Do I mean “[It + is] coming toward us”? Yes!

 

NOW RUN.
Advertisements

The Majestic Semicolon

Grammar fact: Five hundred and forty-two people a day are faced with the conundrum of whether or not to use a semicolon in an important communication. Five hundred and fifteen decide against it, because they just have no freaking clue how it works.

Okay, so that’s not a solid fact, but there are a lot of people who still have no idea how one is used and find themselves utterly confused and wondering how, with modern printing technology, the publisher managed such an egregious mistake of somehow stacking a period on top of a comma.

Or maybe you feel a little overwhelmed when you encounter one and don’t know what to do with it.

“What…is…that?”

But take a moment and think back to the last time you encountered a semicolon. Did you just start spitting up on yourself or did your mind make sense of it by just sort of reading it as a half-assed period? If that’s what your mind did, your mind might be on to something, because the semicolon can sometimes function as a half-assed, wishy-washy period…

BUT MAJESTIC AS ALL GET OUT.

big-lion-beckgroun-free-picture

Behold the semicolon’s feline counterpart!

While the semicolon does have quite a few uses in citations, Grammar Cat would rather clean litter boxes for eternity, Sisyphus-style, than optionally talk about citation formatting. If you’re reading this to get that exact information, I suggest you stop wasting your time on this website and get busy weeping. Just get it all out of your system. There you go… No, crying is not a show of weakness… Well, your father was wrong, then.

Without further ado, we present to you the many magical uses of the majestic semicolon.

Use #1: The semicolon can be used between two independent clauses that lack a conjunction, as a way of showing that the clauses are closely related.

So let’s break that into more manageable terms. An independent clause is a phrase that has both a subject and a predicate, meaning it can stand alone as a complete simple sentence: My puppy and kitten always cuddle.  The subject is My puppy and kitten and the predicate is always cuddle.

You’re welcome.

Say you have two independent clauses and they’re so closely related that you want to put a comma, but you know your teacher/professor/editor will highlight that in a heartbeat and give you the ol’ comma splice song and dance. But a period between them seems so harsh. This sounds like a job for…

THE MAJESTIC SEMICOLON.

Example: It wasn’t difficult to snag the picture; my puppy and kitten always cuddle.

I guess I’m just feeling generous.

This does not mean that any two independent clauses should be connected with a semicolon just because they follow in a logical order. Like Pixy Stix, Björk, and your friends from high school, semicolons are most easily appreciated when they’re only encountered on rare occasions.

Use #2: When the transitional adverbs howeverthushenceindeed,  accordingly,  besides,  therefore,  and sometimes  then separate two independent clauses, a semicolon should be placed before the adverb and a comma should come after it, unless the sentence reads just the same without the comma.

This is probably the rule you remember from middle school and thought was way stuffy and lame and who has time for semicolons when there are Pixy Stix to be snorted? (Disclaimer: Grammar Cat does not encourage or condone snorting Pixy Stix.)

Example: I really wanted to buy the kitten; however, I changed my mind when I remembered how many cacti I’d killed from neglect.

To help you remember the transitional adverbs that lend themselves to the semicolon, here’s a mnemonic device:

The Hairball Has Actually Been Ingested Twenty Times
Thus, Hence, However, Accordingly, Besides, Indeed, Therefore, Then

And here’s a visual:

cat-puke

The Hairball Has Actually Been Ingested Twenty Times. Number twenty-one, coming right up.

Use #3: The semicolon can be used before phrases like that isfor example, namely, and other similarly functioning words when they introduce an independent clause. A comma is often called for after the phrase.

I have a mnemonic device for this one, but it would likely make you vomit or scream or both (it’s the for example part that really makes it unprintable).

Example: Kittens sometimes go to the bathroom in the most unfortunate places; for example, my boyfriend’s work boots.

In the kittens’ defense, the boots did smell like a litter box.

Use #4: Sometimes, and I mean sometimes (and only if you really know what you’re doing and it’s the second full moon of the month and also a Tuesday), the semicolon can be used in place of a comma when two independent clauses are separated by a conjunction.

The editor in me reads that and curses CMoS in the most blasphemous of language; however, the writer in me wants to print that rule on a million tiny slips of paper and then toss them in the air before rolling around on them and then having a good cry, because things are finally, finally, looking up. Sigh.

But before we all get ahead of ourselves, CMoS also clarifies that this rule should generally be used “either to effect a stronger, more dramatic separation between clauses or when the second independent clause has internal punctuation.” And yes, that use of “effect” is correct.

Example of a semicolon for dramatic separation: The cat knew that eating a cactus couldn’t possibly turn out well; but he’d be damned if that stopped him. 

Example of a semicolon before an independent clause with internal punctuation: Living in suburbia is a high-stakes game for a cat; for, of all the learned skills, stealth is not only the most difficult to master, but the most crucial to survival.

That example was outrageous and clearly used as an excuse to post this picture.

Use #5: When a sentence that contains a series has punctuation within items of the series, a semicolon can be used to help clearly differentiate each item of the series.

A sentence containing a series just means that the sentence has some sort of list. The series can be anything as simple as, My cat’s favorite things are naps, yarn, and mice, or the series can list longer phrases; for example, actions: My cat woke from her nap, stretched out her paws, and took a swipe at my ankle.

So if the items of the series have commas embedded within them, then the semicolon, rather than the comma, can be used to separate out the larger items. The most straightforward example might be listing cites with the states they’re in:

My kitten traveled with me to Eugene, Oregon; Atlanta, Georgia; Austin, Texas; and Albuquerque, New Mexico.

 

cat-in-a-suitcase

And TSA was never the wiser. Mwahaha!

The Battle of the Semicolon

 

Some writers and editors only see the semicolon in terms of it looking a lot like the dagger they wish they could plunge into the hearts of semicolon users. Kurt Vonnegut was among this group. However, some people just can’t get enough, and those are also the people who have a questionable amount of Björk on their iPod. Virginia Woolf, for instance, would have had a separate iPod just for Björk. She was crazy about the semicolon, which begs the question of who would win in a Vonnegut–Woolf death match. Holy crap. Let’s all take a second to imagine that.

No, let’s take more than a second. Let’s let that thought ruminate until the next Grammar Cat post.

Quoting and Quoting a Quote

The following is a paraphrased topic request from a loyal reader:

Grammar Cat, you are so awesome with grammar. I think you are the paramount source of cat-related grammar on the internet. Please tell me about how quotation marks work with other punctuation.

Well, grotesquely paraphrased reader, the good news is that this doesn’t have to get too complicated. The bad news is that you will have to do some memorization. The first thing you must do is abandon almost every fundamental need for a consistent rule. The second thing you must do is blame the British for the madness that is American quotation punctuation.

“Typical.”

British rules tend to follow a consistent string of logic. However, Americans at some point decided to do our punctuation a bit differently, just to be…well, different. The most obvious difference between British and American rules is that standard quotation marks for the Brits are single marks like so: ‘I do say, Sir Purrsalot, this custard is brilliant!’ while Americans prefer, “My cat ate a cheeseburger the other day and everyone thought it was funny, but I have no idea why.” But we’re not British, right?

Darn tootin’!

I’m pretty sure quite a few people had to die to make it this way, so let’s not disgrace their memory by screwing with punctuation.

PUNCTUATION BEFORE QUOTATION MARKS:

Punctuation that helps introduce a quotation will always go before the opening quotation mark. Whether it’s a comma, period, colon, semicolon, em dash, or whatever other harebrained thing you can think up, it will always be correct with the punctuation mark preceding the opening quotation mark.

I swear my cat just said, “I love you, Daddy.”

The cat’s eyes bore into me until I cracked. “Okay, fine! I did it! I spilled your milk saucer!”

He then understood what was happening: “Dude, I think my cat is on drugs.”

“Sorry, but I ate all of the green stuff that you always hide in your sock drawer when your mother visits.”

PUNCTUATION AT THE END OF A QUOTATION:

This is really the main event, right? This is why you’re here.

Periods and Commas

Here’s a simple thing to remember:

Periods always go inside the closing quotation mark.

And guess what.

Commas always go inside the closing quotation mark. 

Repeat after me: Periods and commas always go inside the closing quotation mark.

“So many hairballs, but so little time,” the cat said sultrily.

“I think I’ve seen that cat kill a man before.” Steve’s fearful eyes never left Fluffy’s as he backed away.

The talking cat’s first words were, “milk,” “love me,” and “okay, we’re done here.”

Colons and Semicolons

Here’s another simple thing to remember:

Semicolons always go outside the closing quotation mark.

Same goes for colons.

Colons always go outside the closing quotation mark.

Now repeat after me: Colons and semicolons always go outside the closing quotation mark.

I should have said, “I’m sorry your cat is a communist”; instead I read him Das Kapital.

I noticed something strange while reading William Carlos Williams’s “Poem (As the cat)”: I am a cat.

“It all makes sense now.”

Exclamation Points and Question Marks

Now let’s get into some grayer territory and learn about question marks and exclamation points.

Question marks and exclamation points can go inside or outside of the closing quotation mark. 

The way to determine where to place your ? or ! depends on the context of the sentence. If your quotation is part of a larger question or exclamation, then the ? or ! it will go after the closing quotation mark, and no other punctuation is needed before the closing quotation.

For example:

Would you rather spend a day in a freezer with a wolverine or spend an entire day listening to “Honky Cat”?

To quote Socrates, you idiot, “Kittens don’t eat broccoli”!

BUT

“Do you have any Grey Poupon?”

“Why, I never!” the cat said when the waiter admitted he had no Grey Poupon.

As you can tell from the last two examples, when the ? or ! is actually part of the quotation, it comes before the closing quotation mark.

So yes, there’s a bit of thinking when it comes to the question mark and exclamation point. Sorry about all that.

QUOTATIONS WITHIN QUOTATIONS:

Prepare to have your mind stretched to its limits!

“A quotation within a quotation within a quotation within…”

When a quote has a quote within it, Americans use a single quotation mark to denote the secondary quotation. So say you’re writing about your petty friend imitating his cat. He believes the cat said, “Give me some food and shove off.” Now, since we only quoted the cat in that example, the speech goes in double quotes. But when we quote our petty friend’s rendition, then suddenly the cat’s words are embedded within our friend’s speech, making it something like,

“My cat is such a mooch. He just walks up to me and says, ‘Give me some food and shove off!’ and then walks away.” 

Notice that the embedded quote of the cat is punctuated with the exclamation point just like a double quotation would be. And that’s the trick. Quotes within quotes are treated just like regular quotations. The only difference is in the single or double quotation mark.

For those of you who never know when enough is enough and are asking, “But what if someone is quoting the Grammar Cat’s example of a quote within a quote? How does one indicate a triple-layer quote?” Okay. Here’s how it would go: The Grammar Cat says, “…then suddenly the cat’s words are embedded within our friend’s speech, making it something like, ‘My cat is such a mooch. He just walks up to me and says, “Give me some food and shove off!” and then walks away.'”  Always start with a and then go to a then back to a and so on and so forth.

However, here’s an easier rule:

If you find yourself using a triple-layer or (dog forbid) quadruple-layer quote, find a way to rework the sentence so that you don’t have to do that.

Readers will thank you.

Also, when there’s a single quote and double quote next to each other, it looks terrible. CMoS acknowledges this fact and allows for a space to be placed between them for readability’s sake, if one so chooses.

QUOTATION MARKS FOR EMPHASIS:

This last tidbit on quotation marks feels more like a public service announcement than a grammar lesson. There’s this weird thing that people do nowadays when they have too limited a vocabulary to use connotation to their advantage and think that for some reason italics, underlining, and/or bolding doesn’t provide enough emphasis on a particular word. This terrible thing is where people use quotation marks to add emphasis. This is not a function of the quotation mark. Here is an example of how quotation marks are used incorrectly:

quotation-marks-beware-dog.jpg

The above makes no sense. Is there really a dog?  Is there just the concept of dogness happening? Is there just a cat whose name is Dog?

dog_costume_for_cats

“Beware me!”

 

 

The only way that random graffiti would make any sense is if saying the word “dog” was something to beware.

What’s even worse is that now there are people who see others using quotation marks to add emphasis and react with, “Oh, that’s just silly. Everyone knows it’s the single quotation mark that’s used to add emphasis.” WRONG. THAT IS SO WRONG. That makes even less sense, because there is only one use for single quotation marks, and that is listed above under Quotations Within Quotations.

Here are some examples of incorrect use of quotations, both single and double:

My cat stopped eating his “so-called” food.

How many more times until my cat realizes I ‘don’t’ want him to shed?

Just writing those examples is making my skin crawl, and yet it happens everywhere. I almost feel bad for pointing it out, because now you’ll notice it everywhere.

Sometimes I “use” quotation marks because it makes it seem like I’m not the one “responsible” for my stupid words, but that I’m just “quoting someone else.”

It’s unclear whether people started abusing quotation marks to avoid taking personal responsibility for their own words, instead trying to pass the buck to some other unnamed source, but that seems pretty typical for the internet.

Since it only seems right to end the quotation mark post with a quotation, I’ll leave everyone with the words of the great Theodor Geisel. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Grammar Cat can’t be sure, but we think he wrote this in regard to the misuse of quotation marks.